Am I the most worthless being alive?
Evidence points to "yes".
Have you ever fucked up so bad that even you're best friend who stands by your every decision thinks you're a piece a shit that serves nothing but suffering? If you haven't well, let me tell you, it isn't fun. You feel useless, unwanted, stupid. You feel like a big steamy pile of turd. Yummy.
Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back that is my sanity. I flipped. It could have just been a very extreme case of the jitters from that NOS energy drink I had, but it still happened and it still scared the living bejesus out of me.
"How am I going to kill myself?" was the mainly what was going through my mind along with ways that I can escape. It almost seems as if death is the only way out of this misery. "I want a way that is easily found and fun" I thought. So here's a couple of things I came up with (or didn't, for that matter):
1) Shooting myself in the head
Although this may not be the most original idea, I can add a little flair by taping it on my web cam. I could even do it somewhere with a lot of traffic like, say, the Academic Podium here at UAlbany. That would cause quite a stir, although I'm not the one to seek attention.
2) Suffocating myself
This one is just plain ol' stupid. It's worth a shot, though.
3) Jumping off a building
Again, I'm not an attention seeker, so this wouldn't seem like the right way to leave this miserable planet.
4) Challenging a grizzly bear to a fight
We're getting somewhere...
5) Living out the rest of my miserable life
This is more of a symbolic suicide as it is not my physical self that will die, but my "soul".
These are all good ways to perish, but not quite what I'm looking for. And then it hit me (not hard enough to kill me though; I don't deserve that kind of satisfaction). Why don't I pay to go skydiving, except instead of using a parachute to break the landing, I use my face. Think about it: your last moments in life are spent free falling back to earth from +10,000 ft! Soaring, like a bird, through the sky; not a care in the world (by "soaring" I mean falling to your death). That and I've always wanted to go skydiving so it might as well be the last thing I EVER do. When I hit the ground, there's no way that I could survive. There's no way you could even feel a thing. Just like that, all of my problems are gone.
But the sad truth of it all is I can't and probably never will take my own life (who knows what other shenanigans I'll get myself into) . I have too much on this hell hole to leave behind. My mother is one thing. I can't bear the thought of putting through such grief; such pain. Then there's my friends, whom I also care about, even if they do think I'm as much of a fuck up as suicidal me thinks. Don't forget my debt to the government from these student loans. Someone has to pay them off and that someone is moi. I can't leave my family with a $10,000 debt. How selfish would that be? Last, but not least, there's my aspirations. There are so many things in life that I have yet to experience. So many things that I have to accomplish, even though, due to my current predicament, I may not get to accomplish any of these things. I have to at least live long enough to pay my debt. And have a threesome. The good kind.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a presentation to write up.
Have you ever fucked up so bad that even you're best friend who stands by your every decision thinks you're a piece a shit that serves nothing but suffering? If you haven't well, let me tell you, it isn't fun. You feel useless, unwanted, stupid. You feel like a big steamy pile of turd. Yummy.
Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back that is my sanity. I flipped. It could have just been a very extreme case of the jitters from that NOS energy drink I had, but it still happened and it still scared the living bejesus out of me.
"How am I going to kill myself?" was the mainly what was going through my mind along with ways that I can escape. It almost seems as if death is the only way out of this misery. "I want a way that is easily found and fun" I thought. So here's a couple of things I came up with (or didn't, for that matter):
1) Shooting myself in the head
Although this may not be the most original idea, I can add a little flair by taping it on my web cam. I could even do it somewhere with a lot of traffic like, say, the Academic Podium here at UAlbany. That would cause quite a stir, although I'm not the one to seek attention.
2) Suffocating myself
This one is just plain ol' stupid. It's worth a shot, though.
3) Jumping off a building
Again, I'm not an attention seeker, so this wouldn't seem like the right way to leave this miserable planet.
4) Challenging a grizzly bear to a fight
We're getting somewhere...
5) Living out the rest of my miserable life
This is more of a symbolic suicide as it is not my physical self that will die, but my "soul".
These are all good ways to perish, but not quite what I'm looking for. And then it hit me (not hard enough to kill me though; I don't deserve that kind of satisfaction). Why don't I pay to go skydiving, except instead of using a parachute to break the landing, I use my face. Think about it: your last moments in life are spent free falling back to earth from +10,000 ft! Soaring, like a bird, through the sky; not a care in the world (by "soaring" I mean falling to your death). That and I've always wanted to go skydiving so it might as well be the last thing I EVER do. When I hit the ground, there's no way that I could survive. There's no way you could even feel a thing. Just like that, all of my problems are gone.
But the sad truth of it all is I can't and probably never will take my own life (who knows what other shenanigans I'll get myself into) . I have too much on this hell hole to leave behind. My mother is one thing. I can't bear the thought of putting through such grief; such pain. Then there's my friends, whom I also care about, even if they do think I'm as much of a fuck up as suicidal me thinks. Don't forget my debt to the government from these student loans. Someone has to pay them off and that someone is moi. I can't leave my family with a $10,000 debt. How selfish would that be? Last, but not least, there's my aspirations. There are so many things in life that I have yet to experience. So many things that I have to accomplish, even though, due to my current predicament, I may not get to accomplish any of these things. I have to at least live long enough to pay my debt. And have a threesome. The good kind.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a presentation to write up.
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Shit in 'dis bitch:
Ramblings
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